I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No
leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact,
no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
-- Homer Simpson
Marge Be Not Proud
Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Lover
You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish
vandalism.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
Herb: All born in wedlock?
Homer: Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
They said the same thing about Urkle; that little snot. Boy I'd like
to smack that kid.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets Famous
Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone
deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.
-- Homer Simpson
Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
Selma: It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.
Homer: Take it to the hoop, Selma!
-- Homer Simpson
Principal Charming
You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that
used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!
-- Homer Simpson
Secrets of a Successful Marriage
Homer: The secret ingredient is --
Moe: Homer, no!
Homer: Cough syrup! Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter
children's cough syrup!
Flaming Moe's
Hey, if you want wild bears eatin' your children and scarin' your
salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with
me?
-- Homer Simpson
Much Apu About Nothing
You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice
lived such interesting lives.
-- Homer Simpson
Itchy & Scratchy & Marge
It's a fixer-upper. What's the problem? We get a bunch of priests in
here ...
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror
Pfft. Now you tell me.
-- Homer Simpson, finding out that working at a nuclear
plant can make one sterile
I Married Marge
Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat
him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence.
Heh heh heh. The perfect crime.
-- Homer Simpson
The War of the Simpsons
Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an
appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey
bottle. 'Member that?
-- Homer Simpson
Whacking Day
You don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day
putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of
order! The whole freaking system is out of order!
-- Homer Simpson
Secrets of a Successful Marriage
TV Announcer:
The following is a public service announcement: Excessive
alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the
rectum.
Homer: Mmm ... beer.
So It's Come To This: A Simpsons Clip Show
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. `Bart is a vampire.' `Beer kills
brain cells.' Now, let's go back to that ... building ... thingee
... where our beds and TV ... is.
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror IV
Come here, you little raven!
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror
I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me -- friends, co-workers,
Tibor. I never thought it'd be my own wife.
-- Homer Simpson
Marge Gets A Job
Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and
musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called `City
Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about
`What's to be done with this Homer Simpson"'
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival
Wh ... what's going on? Wh ... wha ... why am I on a Japanese box?
-- Homer Simpson
In Marge We Trust
Yeah. Maybe I do have the right ... What's that stuff?
-- Homer Simpson
Deep Space Homer
Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's
hero...Cruddy...Crummy...Krusty the Clown!
-- Homer Simpson
Krusty Gets Busted
All right. His story checks out.
-- Homer Simpson, checking in the encyclopedia
under "Bush, George"
Two Bad Neighbors
I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we
could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the
cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.
-- Homer Simpson
Brother from the Same Planet
It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too
much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those
tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival
Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hiya.
Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead
of ya.
El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer
Homer: I'm just a big fool.
Karl: Oh no, you're not!
Homer: How do you know?
Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool!
Simpson and Delilah