[Pulls out a phaser] Stop right there. I have here the only working phaser ever
built. It was fired only once, to keep William Shatner from making another album.
-- Comic Book Guy
Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
(Covered in Lucite)
(The Collector, slowly, strikes a dramatic pose)
Collector:
Lucite hardening ... must end life in classic Lorne Greene
pose from "Battlestar Galactica." Best ... death ... ever!
Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
Milhouse:
Can I use your bathroom?
CBG: No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying customers only, if you
purchase an item you may use the bathroom.
Milhouse:
Aw, ok, how about that?
(Milhouse points to a framed photo)
CBG: That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore, it is
worth one hundred and fifty dollars.
Milhouse:
Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?
CBG: (sigh) You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure. A
child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is
'fries'.
22 Short Films About Springfield (Episode 3F18)
(Role-playing with Mensa)
CBG: Verily I declare that the Earth revolves around the
Sun and not t'other way round.
Lyndsey Nagle:
Stop looking down my blouse Copernicus.
CBG: Forsooth, mine eyes doth rove of their own accord.
They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
(CBG and Otto are racing slot-cars)
Bart: Have you seen Milhouse?
CBG: No. Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion of
the Universe.
Radioactive Man (Episode 2F17)
Bart: Look pal, we've got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy
Radioactive Man number one, so why don't you just waddle over
there and get it.
CBG: Yes sir!
Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
(After a screening of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat)
Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy before?
CBG: Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg
copy of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat. Because of it's frank
depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile
intellect, such as yours, now toodle-oo.
The Day The Violence Died (Episode 3F16)
If you are waiting for the 'Hi and Lois' signing, you are
too late. It has been moved to the Springfield Colosseum.
--Comic Book Guy
Bart Sells His Soul (Episode 3F02)
Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: The Final Brassiere. Oh hurry up, I'm a busy man.
Ugh, this high-speed modem is intolerably slow. (The download is interrupted by
a banner advertisement) Hey, what the? Huh, the Internet King. I wonder if he
can provide faster nudity.
--Comic Book Guy
Das Bus (Episode 5F11)
Bart: Please, you have something of mine on a little piece of paper.
CBG: Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh. Well since my breakfast burrito
is congealing rapidly I will be blunt. I sold your soul last night.
I found a buyer right away for that item.
Bart: Who?
CBG: I am not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were most
interested in having possession of little boy's soul.
Bart Sells His Soul (Episode 3F02)
Good night, Retch Dude and Slobber Girl. Sweet screams! (Begins to lower them
into the Lucite tank). (Turning to Lawless) Ha, ha, ha! I am unbelievably amused.
Soon those bratty buttinskis will be encased in Lucite for all eternity. While
we're waiting, here are some names you may call me on our wedding night: (Clears
throat) Obi Wan,Iron Man, Mr. Mxyzptlk, and of course, Big Papa Smurf.
--Comic Book Guy
Treehouse of Horror X: Desperately Xeeking Xena (Episode BABF01)
(CBG attends the Movementarians mass marriage ceremony)
CBG: (to new bride) So, do you enjoy comic books?
The Joy Of Sect (Episode 5F23)
(Bart sees a framed drawing of Itchy)
Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
CBG: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are making me laugh.
That drawing is worth exactly 750 dollars American.
Bart: It's valuable, huh?!
CBG: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you
to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at
this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city!
Bart: Loser.
The Day The Violence Died (Episode 3F16)
(Milhouse pays for the comic as his father enters the shop)
Kirk: Er, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just needed to use the
bathroom, now I find you buying comics.
CBG: Oh, our transaction is completed, you may take the boy.
Milhouse:
Wait!
22 Short Films About Springfield (Episode 3F18)
Milhouse:
Excuse me. Do you have the Carl Yazstremski baseball card
from 1973, when he had big sideburns?
CBG: Show me the thirty bucks, 'cos if you ain't got it, I ain't
getting off the stool.
Three Men and a Comic Book (Episode 7F21)
Bart: What the hell's this?
CBG: Melvin and the Squirrels, part of the rodent invasion of the
early sixties.
Homer's Barbershop Quartet (Episode 9F21)
CBG: Er, your attention please. Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8 by
10 glossies of Poochie. Please form a line, there will be no cutting.
I'm talking to you Mr. Cutter.
(CBG cuts to the front of the line)
CBG: Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup. Hi, can you
make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name.
The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Episode 4F12)
(Other CBG bumper stickers):
The Truth Is In Here
I Brake For Tribbles
Kang Is My Co-Pilot
My Child Is An Honor Student At Starfleet Academy
Keep Honking, I'm Charging My Phaser
Viva Ned Flanders (Episode AABF06)
Homer: Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?
CBG: I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight kilobaud
internet connection to a one point five megabit fiber-optic T-1 line.
Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatable with my
token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: (after long pause) Can I have some money now?
Das Bus (Episode 5F11)
(CBG is accosted by Rex Banner)
Rex Banner:
Are you the Beer Baron?
CBG: Yes, but only by night. By day, I am a mild-mannered reporter for
a major metropolitan newspaper.
Rex Banner:
Don't crack wise with me tubby.
CBG: Tubby? Oh yes, tubby.
Homer Vs. The 18th Amendment (Episode 4F15)
(CBG sits on a Portaloo reading "Zebra Girl")
CBG: Oh, it appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.
King Of The Hill (Episode 5F16)
CBG: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst
episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes
registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
CBG: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for
free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you
owe them.
CBG: Worst episode ever.
The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Episode 4F12)
(At the Mensa society meeting)
Lisa: Now next week is our "state of the city" address. Has
everyone finished their proposals.
CBG: Well first of all I've a plan to eliminate obesity in
women.
They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
(At 'Miscellaneous Etc.' gadget store)
CBG: Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote unquote, Ultimate
Belt.
Storekeeper:
I see, do you have a receipt, quote unquote,sir?
CBG: I do not have a receipt, I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek
convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical
as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt.
Storekeeper:
Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with
the ladies.
CBG: Hey, I... Huh... Tha... Oh...
Storekeeper:
Gee, I hate to let you down Casanova, but uh, no receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
CBG: Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense
the insults rather than absorb them.
The Homer They Fall (Episode 4F03)
Come back! Those are prescription pants!
--Comic Book Guy
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (Episode BABF18)
(In the wheelbarrow line at Dr. Nick's clinic)
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
--Comic Book Guy
My Sister, My Sitter (Episode 4F13)
Bart: Who's gonna play Radioactive Man?
CBG: I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.
(He moves to his computer)
CBG: Okay, here we are, alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know
star RM pic.
Radioactive Man (Episode 2F17)
Lyndsey Nagle:
Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Frink: (With sarcasm detector) Are you kidding? This baby is off the charts
mm-hai.
CBG: A sarcasm detector, that's a real useful invention.
(Sarcasm detector explodes)
They Saved Lisa's Brain (Episode AABF18)
(In the alley behind his store)
CBG: (throwing out a large stack of comics) It seems I will never sell these
"She-Hulk vs. Leon Spinks" comics. Worst cross-over ever! (leaves)
Nerds: (get the scent of the comics and grab the comics from the trash bin)
CBG: (points a flashlight at them, which make their eyes shine red)
Nerds: Aargh! (runs away)
CBG: (Waving a broom at them) Shoo, nerds, shoo!
Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (Episode BABF14)
CBG: Question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
CBG: Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer.
And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties,
I will know that you stole my idea.
Homer: I'm just waiting for my kid.
Homer's Brain:
Mental note: steal his idea.
Lisa The Iconoclast (Episode 3F13)