Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
are removable!
Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.
Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
struck by lightning first.
Q: What do monsters eat?
A: Things.
Q: What do monsters drink?
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A: One less drunk.
Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
Q: How do you know when you're in the section of Vermont?
A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A: 9 edge down.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
the bulb in the first place.
Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A: A howdah duty.
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
A: The very best person they can possibly be.
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was giving it last rites.
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A: When his lips move.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A: Open other end.
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
-- being told in Poland, 1987