reaper man quotes

“Why are you called One-man-bucket?”
"...In my tribe we're traditionally named after the first thing my mother sees when she looks out of the tepee after the birth. It's short for one-man-pouring-a-bucket-of-water-over-two-dogs."
"That's pretty unfortunate."
"It's not too bad. It was my twin brother you had to feel sorry for. She looked out ten seconds before me to give him his name."
"don't tell me, let me guess. Two-dogs-fighting?"
"Two-dogs-fighting? Two-dogs-fighting? Wow, he would have given his right arm to be called Two-dogs-fighting."
(Reaper Man)

“We'll strategically withdraw to previously prepared position.”
"Who prepared them?"
"we'll prepare them when we get there..."
(Reaper Man)

LORD, WE KNOW THERE IS NO GOOD ORDER EXCEPT THAT WHICH WE CREATE...
THERE IS NO HOPE BUT US. THERE IS NO MERCY BUT US. THERE IS NO JUSTICE. THERE IS JUST US.
ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION.
AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END ONE DAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.
LORD, WHAT CAN THE HARVEST HOPE FOR, IF NOT THE CARE OF THE REAPER MAN?
(Reaper Man)

'What is this thing, anyway?' said the Dean, inspecting the implement in his hands.
'It's called a shovel', said the Senior Wrangler. 'I've seen the gardeners use them. You stick the sharp end in the ground. Then it gets a bit technical.'
(Reaper Man)

He'd never realized that, deep down inside, what he really wanted to do
was make things go splat.
(Reaper Man)

“Have you any last words?”
"Yes. I dont want to go."
(Reaper Man)

Mrs Evadne Cake was a medium, verging on small.
(Reaper Man)

In the distance a couple were having the kind of quarrel that causes most of the surrounding streets to open their windows and listen in and make
notes.
(Reaper Man)

“Bonsai!”
(Reaper Man)

"It's called a shovel... I've seen gardeners use them. You stick the sharp end in the ground. Then it gets a bit technical.
(Reaper Man)

“She's a (spirit) medium. Well, more a small.”
(Reaper Man)

While wizards don't believe in gods they know for a fact that gods believe in gods.
(Reaper Man)

The patrician (tax-collector) said...it was two hundred dollars per capita; if per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged.
(Reaper Man)

(...) IT IS NOT YET MIDNIGHT?
'I shouldn't think it's more than a quarter past eleven.'
THEN WE HAVE THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR
'How can you be sure?'
BECAUSE OF DRAMA, MISS FLITWORTH.. THE KIND OF DEATH WHO POSES AGAINST THE SKYLINE AND GETS LIT UP BY LIGHTNING FLASHES, said Bill Door, disapprovingly, DOESN'T TURN UP AT FIVE-AND-TWENTY PAST ELEVEN IF HE CAN POSSIBLY TURN UP AT MIDNIGHT.
(Reaper Man)

“Why does everyone run towards a blood-curdling scream?...It's contrary to all sense.”
(Reaper Man)

No one was avoiding him, it was just that an apparent random Brownian
motion was gently moving everyone away.
(Reaper Man)

On the fabled hidden continent of Xxxx, somewhere near the rim, there is a
lost colony of wizards who wear corks around their pointy hats and live on
nothing but prawns.
(Reaper Man)

autocondimentor - someone who will put salt and probably pepper on any mean you put in front of them regardless of how much it's got already and regardless of how it tastes.
(Reaper Man)

If you could do a sort of relief map of sinfulness, wickedness and all-round immorality, rather like those representations of the gravitational field around a Black Hole, then even in Ankh-Morpork the Shades would be represented by a shaft. In fact the Shades was remarkably like the aforesaid well-known astrological phenomenon: it had a certain strong attraction, no light escaped from it, and it could indeed become a gateway to another world. The next one.
(Reaper Man)

People have believed for hundreds of years that newts in a well mean that
the water's fresh and drinkable, and *in all that time* never asked
themselves whether the newts got out to go to the lavatory.
(Reaper Man)

Ankh-Morpork has always had a fine tradition of welcoming people of all races, colours and shapes, if they have money to spend and a return
ticket.
(Reaper Man)

“You know," said Windle, "it's a wonderful afterlife.”
(Reaper Man)

'There's Mr Dibbler.'
'What's he selling this time?'
'I don't think he's trying to sell anything, Mr Poons.'
'It's that bad? Then we're probably in lots of trouble.'
(Reaper Man)

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
(Reaper Man)

Something wonderful, if you took the log view, was about to happen.
If you took the short or medium view, something horrible was about to happen.
It's like the difference between seeing a beautiful new star in the winter sky and actually being close to the supernova. It's the difference between the beauty of morning dew on a cobweb and actually being a fly.
(Reaper Man)

Belief is one of the most powerful organic forces in the multiverse. It may not be able to move mountains, exactly. But it can create someone who can.
(Reaper Man)

Windle shook his head sadly. Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
(Reaper Man)

The new Death raised his cowl.
There was no face there. There was not even a skull. Smoke curled formlessly between the robe and a golden crown.
Bill Door raised himself on his elbows.
A CROWN? His voice shook with rage. I NEVER WORE A CROWN!
You never wanted to rule.
(Reaper Man)

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it's wrong. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
(Reaper Man)

“It's not that I don't want (to die)...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break.”
(Reaper Man)