Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed
teachers.
How do you say constipated in German? ... Farfrumpoopen.
Women's breasts are like Toys: They're meant for kids, but usually it's the
fathers who wind up playin' with them.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting
on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Start a movement...eat a prune.
Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy blue-green meat is.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a
skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the
designated driver.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to
do and not doing it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your
mouth shut.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that
drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive!
Judging from the behavior of some people...not all jackasses have tails.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Confucious say - Man who goes with woman with Flat Chest feel low down!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get
wasted and have the time of our lives.
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up
with her crap.
Did you ever notice that when a politician does get an idea he usually gets
it all wrong.
Beauty is only a light switch away.