medicine quotes

Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.

I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
-- Chauncey Depew

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman

Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
-- Peter Nelson

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
wearing masks for.
-- James Boren

If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
-- Ralph Moonen

Paralysis through analysis.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn

His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
-- P.G. Wodehouse

A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
that you only have six weeks to live."
"Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than that?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.

"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
psycho-prompter couch?"
"Thank you, Red."
"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
"Yes, Red."
"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
"Yes, Red."
"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
explain the failure of your three marriages."
"Well, I--"
"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
product."
-- Jules Feiffer

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
gently!"
The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
guess who's going to die soon!"

The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to
deal with: death.
-- Michael Phelps

Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.

Cure the disease and kill the patient.
-- Francis Bacon