law quotes

First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
Dial-A-Wombat.
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
another phone booth.
There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
telephone booths.
-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.

In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.

Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
I can find for “landskap”). These laws were written down sometime in the
13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
"lekare".
"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
he received, shame and wounds."

Humor in the Court:
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.

I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[110.13]:
"When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
to interfere with oncoming traffic."

[22.17b]:
"Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
on the highway."

[41.16]:
"Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
asking for it."

Pittsburgh driver's test

(10) Potholes are

(a) extremely dangerous.
(b) patriotic.
(c) the fault of the previous administration.
(d) all going to be fixed next summer.

The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
-- Robert Frost

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"

Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.

In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.

“There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
during the trial.”
-- David Letterman

Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
-- Cary Grant

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- Ben Franklin

I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
-- Fratianno

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
-- Albuquerque Journal

Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.

Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
the issue afterwards.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
kind of loophole.
-- Leo Kessler

There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
tied during the month of April.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
-- Carl Sandburg

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.

In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.

Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
examine the laws of heat.
-- Christopher Morley

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will
of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.

-Law and Governance, The Spacing Guild Manual

A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.

Humor in th Court:
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
-- Will Rogers