kids quotes

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have
much of anything to do with it.

Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.

My parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

For adult education nothing beats children.

The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
-- John Barrymore

The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
father!"

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
-- Carl Sandburg

Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...

Do as I say, not as I do.
Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
What did you do *this* time?
If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
When I was your age...
I won't love you if you keep doing that.
Think of all the starving children in India.
If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
I'm going to kill you.
Way to go, clumsy.
If you don't like it, you can lump it.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
-- Groucho Marx

I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
the sky blue?"
HE asked me about black holes in space.
(There's a hole *where*?)

I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)

I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
HE talked internal combustion engines.
(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")

I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
as equals.
HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
the graphics.

Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
(Gotcha!)
-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"

It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
-- Arthur Binstead

Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.

That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"

Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
They're still living in the fifties.
-- Strange de Jim

Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
tolerated until they acquire some sense.
-- William Phelps

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.