Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have
much of anything to do with it.
If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
-- G.B. Shaw
Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
My parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
For adult education nothing beats children.
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
-- George Bernard Shaw
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
-- Franklin P. Jones
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
success.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
“Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! ”For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your dust
speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil!"
-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.
-- Henrik Tikkanen
The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
father!"
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
-- John Barrymore
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
-- Carl Sandburg
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Do as I say, not as I do.
Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
What did you do *this* time?
If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
When I was your age...
I won't love you if you keep doing that.
Think of all the starving children in India.
If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
I'm going to kill you.
Way to go, clumsy.
If you don't like it, you can lump it.
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up,
they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
for instance.
-- Franklin P. Jones
“There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.”
-- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
-- Groucho Marx
I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
the sky blue?"
HE asked me about black holes in space.
(There's a hole *where*?)
I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
HE talked internal combustion engines.
(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
as equals.
HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
the graphics.
Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
(Gotcha!)
-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
Article the Third:
Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
Article the Fourth:
The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
Article the Fifth:
Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...
-- Gilda Radner