I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the “reindeer effect.”
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
to become a parrot or something.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
got to be a better way.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
becoming pure energy.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.
Come on, Marta, grow up.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handley
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, “You know most
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group.”
"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
me because I am beautiful.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor.
“Sorry,” he said with a smile.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
got to be a better way.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.
Come on, Marta, grow up.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
to become a parrot or something.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handley