holygrail quotes

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land,
through the kingdom of Mercea, through-
GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the
plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to
our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of
weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur
from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to
beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow,
that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Who's
castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guido Wommer!
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join
us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's
already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- you're Knights of the Round Table
shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look
well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your
purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: A blessing!
LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD: God be praised!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-
perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN: No one live there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh - how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's
castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
collective.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns
to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special
biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.
King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1: Pull the other one!