holygrail quotes

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-shit-knight]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. I am Arthur, King
of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to
join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL: Run away!
GUARD: Thpppt!
[ after running away...]
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
ARTHUR: No no, no.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BEDEMIR: Well?
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEMIR: The nose?
VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop]
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do wha? un codoo? a present! oh, un codoo.
oui oui hurry! wha-? let's go!
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR: What happens now?
BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and
then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and
uh....
ARTHUR: Oh....
BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
[twong]
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache.) wha?
GUARD: (Fetch-e la vache!)
[moo!]
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
ALL: Charge!
[mayhem]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh I don't
suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh,
a, um, a uh--
TIM: A what...?
ARTHUR: A g--, a g--
TIM: A Grail?!
ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
TIM: Yes!
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation,
but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and
Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered
something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I
mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the
birds were walking and dragging--
CROWD: Get on with it!
NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with
some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, in which
there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling -
oolp!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg -- wherein,
carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin
Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy
Grail.
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this
cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought
with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So,
brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no
further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[boom]
DINGO: Oh, shit.
[outside]
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to try to sample as much peril as I
can.
LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[clop clop whinny]
BEDEMIR: They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.
BEDEMIR: What with?
ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.
TIM: Too late!
[chord]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEMIR: My liege!
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the
Round Table?
BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honoured.
ARTHUR: What is your name?
BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my liege.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: Right.
[starts to leave]
Where are you going?
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT: But, Father!
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.
Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the
number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be
three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once
the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest
thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being
naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
MAYNARD: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
GALAHAD: Three, sir!
ARTHUR: Three!
[boom]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of
Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, `is'?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not saying `is'.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a
witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEMIR: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover,
suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--
[ugh]
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a
very real, and legally binding sense.
[clapping]
And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union - between the Princess
and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot--
LAUNCELOT: What?
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN: I am.
LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.
MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER: Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1: Uh...
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not
bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness
the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock.
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his
death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a
daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
RANDOM: He's getting better!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow bastards! Come
back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
GALAHAD: Get stuffed!
TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You mangy scot's git!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
GUARD: Mind your own business!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave
and we were--
FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
GUARD #1: Just you.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Get back.
GUARD #1: Get back.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready!
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER: I can understand that.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[Narrative Interlude]
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but
other illustrious names were soon to follow:
Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the
centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.