holygrail quotes

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favour!
LEFT HEAD: What?
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.
LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD: All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[wailing]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked
through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really
must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
[yelling]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GIRLS: Hello.
GALAHAD: Oh--
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
GALAHAD: Zoot!
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO: Where are you going?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN: Thursday.
DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you
can do?
DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER: Right.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Nee!
BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
BEDEMIR: Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the
sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring
up the Holy Hand Grenade!
[singing]
How does it, uh... how does it work?
LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER: "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh,
Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine
enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and
people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
and orang-utangs, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down.
[clap clap]
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD: B-but--
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston,
practice your art.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN: I never did!
MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN: Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN: I never!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: There! Look!
LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
GALAHAD: What language is that?
ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!
LAUNCELOT: Course!
ARTHUR: What does it say, Brother?
MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea.
He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the
Castle of aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. Looks like
there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Pictures for Schools, take 8.
DIRECTOR: Action!
NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise,
and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the
quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided
that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.
Now, this is what they did--
[clop clop]
[An unknown knight rides in and stabs the narrator]
WOMAN: Greg!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?!
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [music]
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
FATHER: Shut up!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape in my own
particular....(sigh)
CONCORDE: Dogma, sir?
LAUNCELOT: Dogma! Hee! Ha!
[crash]
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can `nee' at will to
old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred.
Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable
economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the
Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEMIR: Nee!
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the gorge of
Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest
here today.
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
[yelling]

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

FATHER: Right?
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a
bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
HERBERT: What, the curtains?
FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over
the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!
HERBERT: But, Mother--
FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started
here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a
castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It
sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the
swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank
into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your
gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this
bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call
your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of
other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
Right! That settles it!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
ALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how sheeps'
bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our
beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first
time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons
of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you
and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough
water! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and
your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

KNIGHTS:
[singing]
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impecc-able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot

[dancing]
We're knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Oh many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot

[tap-dancing]
Oh we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot

[single man]
I have to push the pram a lot.

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... So each of the knights went their
separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of
Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels.
MINSTREL (singing):
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, oh Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
And his penis split ... and his ...

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these
questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KEEPER: What is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is your favourite colour?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
KEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN: That's easy!

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-shit-knight]
ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. I am Arthur, King
of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to
join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
ARTHUR: What?

From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
[boom crash]
[angels singing]
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[squeak boom]
ALL: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we
shall attend to your every, every need!