discworld quotes

Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because -- what with trolls and
dwarfs and so on -- speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived
in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.
(Witches Abroad)

'Master, what is the difference between a humanistic, monastic system of belief in which wisdom is sought by means of an apparently nonsensical system of questiona and answers, and a lot of mystic gibberish made up on the spur of the moment?'
Wen considered this for some time, and at last said: 'A fish!'
And Clodpool went away, satisfied.
(The Thief of Time)

“He's muffed it," said Simony. ”he could have done *anything* with
them. And he just told them the facts. You can't inspire people with
facts. They need a cause. They need a symbol."
(Small Gods)

Her attitude to music was purely ballistic - just point your voice at the end of the verse and go for it.
(Maskerade)

Mustrum Ridcully did a lot for rare species. For one thing, he kept
them rare.
(Lords and Ladies)

There are hardly any excesses of the most crazed psychopath that
cannot easily be duplicated by a normal kindly family man who just
comes in to work every day and has a job to do.
(Small Gods)

'Somewhere, A Crime Is Happening,' said Dorfl.
(Feet of Clay)

'Tell me, sir Samuel, do you know the phrase "Quis custodiet isos custodes?"? (...) It means "Who guards the guards themselves?" (...) Who watches the Watch?'
(Feet of Clay)

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it's wrong. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
(Reaper Man)

No one heard the cry that came back from the dead skull, because there was no mouth to utter it and not even a mind to guide it, but it screamed out into the night:
CLAY OF MY CLAY, THOU SHALT NOT KILL! THOU SHALT NOT DIE!
(Feet of Clay)

The new Death raised his cowl.
There was no face there. There was not even a skull. Smoke curled formlessly between the robe and a golden crown.
Bill Door raised himself on his elbows.
A CROWN? His voice shook with rage. I NEVER WORE A CROWN!
You never wanted to rule.
(Reaper Man)

Windle shook his head sadly. Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
(Reaper Man)

“All holy piety in public, and all peeled grapes and self-indulgence
in private.”
(Small Gods)

“Well, basically there are two sorts of opera,' said Nanny, who also had
the true witch's ability to be confidently expert on the basis of no
experience whatsoever. 'There's your heavy opera, where basically people
sing foreign and it goes like ”Oh oh oh, I am dyin', oh, I am dyin', oh,
oh, oh, that's what I'm doin'", and there's your light opera, where they
sing in foreign and it basically goes "Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! I like to
drink lots of beer!", although sometimes they drink champagne instead.
That's basically all of opera, reely."
(Maskerade)

A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally
established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon
or three normal sized billiard balls.
(The Light Fantastic)

Belief is one of the most powerful organic forces in the multiverse. It may not be able to move mountains, exactly. But it can create someone who can.
(Reaper Man)

Something wonderful, if you took the log view, was about to happen.
If you took the short or medium view, something horrible was about to happen.
It's like the difference between seeing a beautiful new star in the winter sky and actually being close to the supernova. It's the difference between the beauty of morning dew on a cobweb and actually being a fly.
(Reaper Man)

The Librarian of Unseen University had unilaterally decided to aid
comprehension by producing an Orang-utan/Human Dictionary. He'd been
working on it for three months. It wasn't easy. He'd got as far as "Oook".
(Men at Arms)

Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water
was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys,
they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
(Sourcery)

In the Beginning

It was a nice day.
-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

“Go ahead, bake my quiche”
-- Magrat instructs the castle cook
(Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

The thing between Death's triumphant digits was a fly from the dawn of
time. It was the fly in the primordial soup. It had bred on mammoth
turds. It wasn't a fly that bangs on window panes, it was a fly that
drills through walls.
-- Death goes fishing
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)

I WAS AT A PARTY, he added, a shade reproachfully.
-- Death is summoned by the Wizards
(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

Ahahahahaha! Ahahahaha! Aahahaha!

BEWARE!!!!!

Yrs sincerely
The Opera Ghost

(Maskerade)

“What do people like to drink here, then?”
The landlord looked sideways at his customers, a clever trick given that
they were directly in front of him.
-- Mort goes out for a drink
(Terry Pratchett, Mort)

They looked at one another in incomprehension, two minds driving opposite
ways up a narrow street and waiting for the other man to reverse first.
(Soul Music)

Smoke was coming out of the stricken piano. The Librarian's hands were
walking through the keys like Casanunda in a nunnery.
(Soul Music)

Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.
(Men at Arms)

'And I suppose you know what sound is made by one hand clapping, do you?' said the holy man nastily.
YES. CL. THE OTHER HAND MAKES THE AP.
(Soul Music)

Personal isn't the same as important. What sort of person could think like that? And it dawned on him that while Ankh in the past had had its share of evil rulers, and simply bad rulers, it had never yet come under the heel of a good ruler. That might be the most terrifying prospect of all.
(Men at Arms)