discworld quotes

“Today the city, tomorrow the world.”
"Tomorrow the world, and - " he calculated quickly, "on Friday the universe! Good, that leaves the weekend free..."
(Sourcery)

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.
(Hogfather)

“Quick, you must come with me, you're in great danger!”
"Why?"
"Because I'll kill you if you dont."
(Sourcery)

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.
(Hogfather)

'But look,' said Ponder, 'the graveyards are full of people who rushed in bravely but unwisely.'
'Ook.'
'What did he say?' said the Bursar.
'I think he said, "Sooner or later the graveyards are full of everybody".'
(Lords and Ladies)

To him breathing was an intellectual that had to be concentrated on. He could just manage one nostril at a time at the moment.
(Hogfather)

“We're witches and we will pay our way by curing you of any irritating ailments you have.”
"I don't have any."
"How many would you like?"
(Maskerade)

“The singers all loathe the sight of one another, the chorus despises the
singers, they both hate the orchestra, and everyone fears the conductor;
the staff on one prompt side won't talk to the staff on the opposite prompt
side, the dancers are all crazed from hunger in any case...”
(Maskerade)

I AM DEATH, NOT TAXES. *I* TURN UP ONLY ONCE.
(Feet of Clay)

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like
installing smoke detectors in Hell.
(Feet of Clay)

“What do you call that warm feeling you get inside?”
"Heartburn?"
(Hogfather)

“He raised his hammer defiantly and opened his mouth to say, "Oh, yeah?" but stopped, because just by his ear he heard a growl. It was quite low and soft, but it had a complex little waveform which went straight down into a little knobbly bit in his spinal column where it pressed an ancient button marked Primal Terror.”
(Feet of Clay)

'What's the first thing you'd take out of a burning house?'
'I reckon I'd take Greebo. 'Cos that shows I've got a warm and considerate nature.' - Gytha "Nanny" Ogg, a witch
'What would you like me to take, madam?' - Mr Salzella, a... no, I won't!
'The fire.' - Walter Plinge
'Who set fire to it?' - an undercover policeman
(Maskerade)

Drinks like this tend to get called Traffic Lights or Rainbow's Revenge or, in places where truth is more highly valued, Hello and Goodbye Mr Brain Cell.
(Hogfather)

“Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, especially simian ones. They are
not all that subtle.”
(Lords and Ladies)

The people who really run organizations are usually found several
levels down, where it is still possible to get things done.
(Small Gods)

'Now what?' it said.
IT'S UP TO YOU. IT'S ALWAYS UP TO YOU.
(Maskerade)

'But it'll kill him!'
'It could have been worse.'
'What?'
'It could have been us.'
(Colour of Magic)

She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do.
And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find
herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death
with her own umbrella.
(Hogfather)

Greebo could, in fact, commit sexual harrassment simply by sitting very
quietly in the next room.
(Maskerade)

“I really should talk to him. He's had a near-death experience!”
"We all have. It's called living."
(Hogfather)

Rumour is information distilled so finely that it can filter through
anything. It does not need doors and windows -- sometimes it does not need
people. It can exist free and wild, running from ear to ear without ever
touching lips.
(Feet of Clay)

“Slave is an Ephebian word. In Om we have no word for slave,” said
Vorbis.
"So I understand," said the Tyrant. "I imagine that fish have no
word for water."
(Small Gods)

For Magrat, stepping into a man's bedroom was like an explorer stepping on
to that part of the map marked Here Be Dragons.
(Lords and Ladies)

You never ever volunteered. Not even if a sergant stood there and said, "We
need someone to drink alcohol, bottles of, and make love, passionate, to
women, for the use of." There was *always* a snag. If a choir of angels
asked for volunteers for Paradise to step forward, Nobby knew enough to
take one smart pace to the rear.
(Feet of Clay)

After you'd known Christine for any length of time, you found yourself
fighting a desire to look into her ear to see if you could spot daylight
coming the other way.
(Maskerade)

'It's easy to hold everything in common when no one's got anything.'
(Maskerade)

“Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're
not a nasty small-minded little jerk [...]”
(Feet of Clay)

' I really should talk to him, sir. He's had a near-death experience!'
'We all do. It's called living.'
(Hogfather)

He counted to one on his fingers. Then he counted to two.
(Maskerade)