It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
-- Churchy La Femme
It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
-- Churchy La Femme
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
robbers there will be.
-- Lao Tsu
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
“Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them.” (Mae West)
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain.
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
-- Ingmar Bergman
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
-- G.B. Shaw
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
-- Benjamin Franklin.
“Sex is an emotion in motion.” (Mae West)
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
women.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried
before.
- Mae West
Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a
clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as
annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio. But before we get
into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works.
A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except
that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has
pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets.
So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your
electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
“professional” arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a
large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the
week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after
which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more
money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S.
Senate.
And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You
figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How difficult can
it be?"
Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which
is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far
less money. This article can help you.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
-- Raoul Duke
God helps them that themselves.
-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac"
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In work, be competent.
In action, be careful of your timing.
-- Lao Tsu
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get
to know each other.
-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-- Mae West
Bureaucrat, n.:
A person who cuts red tape sideways.
-- J. McCabe
“World domination. Fast”
(By Linus Torvalds)
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
-- Mark Twain
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
be a merrier world.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
A hypothetical paradox:
What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-- Tom Galloway
Bug, n.:
An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options
when s/he wrote the program.
Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
-- Ray Simard
“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”
-- Victor Borge
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.