ambrose bierce quotes

Mythology, n.:
The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as
distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they
are, not as they ought to be.

-- Ambrose Bierce

Telephone, n.:
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages
of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Senate, n.:
A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
-- Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers

Ambidextrous, adj.:
Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker.

-- Ambrose Bierce

Infancy, n.:
The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
afterward.

-- Ambrose Bierce

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever
regret.

-- Ambrose Bierce

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Bore, n.:
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Labor, n.:
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.--
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Coronation, n.:
The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Senate, n.:
A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Wit, n.:
The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
... by leaving it out.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Year, n.:
A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"